Well, personally, I’ve heard some terrible things about .hack//Roots, but I still went in with high hopes. It couldn’t be totally unwatchable, right?

…. Right!

We start with a really trippy and slightly homo opening. Well, I’ve seen worse… It shows ANOTHER really trippy scene of Haseo, our “hero”, being PKed. And then he’s… up walking with Ovan, huge gun and all. Ovan explains about PKs a bit, introduces himself (Haseo returns the favor) and Haseo thanks Ovan for saving him. Ovan randomly says “BECOME STRONG” (???) and goes on to say that this is a very difficult game for new players. A bunch of other cryptic crap follows (oh, Ovan ♥) and tells Haseo he has an attribute only he has (?!?!?). Haseo responds with a rousing “wtf”, and Ovan gates out. Haseo.. kinda stares blankly at the place where Ovan was, and the camera pans over to some furfag. Some furfag.. floats off into the distance after watching Haseo gtfo.

Scene change! We see a Beast Statue (or did they call them that in R1?) with an open chest. Another furfag is fangirling some gloves and asking Shino if she can really have them. Oh, apparently, Another Furfag’s name is Tabby. Tabby thanks Shino, who was like “lol it’s okay :D” and by this time, it’s clear that Tabby is new to the game. Shino says that THE MASTER is calling her — oh wait, it’s just the guide master. Tabby asks about Guilds and stuff, and Shino says she’s a member of the Twilight Brigade. Tabby asks if they can EVER MEET AGAIN, Shino says “lol sure use the email address retard” and leaves. Tabby hugs her gloves with an *A*!!!!! expression.

Aaand another. It shows some random waterfall place with DRAMATIC ENTRANCE music in the background, and shows Ovan contemplating suicide standing on the edge of a broken bridge. Shino walks up to him and apologizes for keeping him waiting. There’s a LOT of cryptic conversation here, so I’ll just say that they’re talking about Haseo. They randomly flip over to Tabby, I’m assuming. Shino has high hopes for her, and asks if Ovan is gonna go meet with her. Ovan says “of course lol” and Shino mentions some guy named Sakisaka. Shino says some MYSTEEERRRIOUS shit, as does Ovan. Shino goes ?!?! at this.

Derp derp again. It shows a tapestry thing, a bunch of treasure, and finally Some Blue Guy and Some Green-Haired Chick. Clearly they’re having a meeting, because GHC says “SHOW UP ON TIME GD THIS KIDS >O” as Fat Guy walks into the room. He mentions a deal and some kid, and asks what this gd meeting is about. They begin to discuss Ovan and the Twilight Brigade. –Blue Guy is now Naobi. They talk about them searching for something. (Fat Guy is apparently Tawaraya and GHC is Ender.) Naobi wants to know more about Haseo and goes on to describe him to Ender. (Tawaraya mocks his character class, which made me lol slightly.) Naobi tells Ender to keep the TaN (which I’m assuming is her guild) out of this, to which she responds “lol k”. Tawaraya begins to leave, but Naobi says the equivalent of GET BACK HERE >O, but Tawaraya mentions he already knows and says something about an “antenna”. Then he leaves. \o\

Snip snip, again! It shows a (ugly :<) city and a nice boat. It shows varying amounts of people being all “derp derp happy” and then… Haseo emoing on a bridge. Yay! Two girls walk by, talking about some guy’s rare staff and they say “DO WANT *_* I wonder if he’ll drop it :ooo” so it can be assumed they’re going to PK him. PKKs follow the PKers, saying that they shouldn’t talk so openly like that. Haseo asks “what’s with this game?” when a mysterious voice agrees with him. Hey, it’s some furfag! Some furfag asks if Ovan left him behind. Haseo says “YOU KNOW HIM? :|” and… Some Furfag fades away into static, and Haseo is left talking to air like a batshit person. He appears again, saying that his cat pulled the cord. Some Furfag says “let’s talk! :D”. Haseo merely glares, and Some Furfag glares back. “Heh.” states Haseo. So poetic.

Cut to Some Furfag and Haseo standing behind some boxes. Some Furfag says he’ll give Haseo his member address. He explains some stuff about parties that I already knew blah blah… Haseo says “Why?” (very coherent there). This causes Some Furfag to explode into a rant. Haseo randomly asks about Ovan, what he’s like, etc. Some Furfag replies with “well what did you think of him???”. Haseo says “A… mysterious person?”. Some Furfag asks if he knows the difference between “mysterious” and “eccentric” which made me laugh too damn hard. Haseo responds with a resounding “Guild???” Oh, Haseo. ♥

Some Furfag is still bitching about the manual and Haseo leaves. But before he manages to get farther away, Some Furfag tells him that Ovan has been following him. Haseo responds with a resounding “lol wut”. Some Furfag mysteriously replies “Well, he is an eccentric man… he must have some eccentric reason for doing it!” which, again, made me laugh stupidly. Some furfag acts all pouty and begins to fly away. He says if Haseo ever wants to play by himself in The World, Some Furfag can show him a great way to play! Haseo FINALLY asks him for his name, and Some Furfag becomes Phyllo. Haseo asks why the hell is he playing this game, to which Phyllo replies, “I’m just killing time. \o\”

Cut, again! Another shot of some tapestry thing is seen. This is apparently the Twilight Brigade’s headquarters, because there’s an Ovan grunty (asdks;yiert) and Shino, tending to some berries. We hear a loud HELLOOOOOO, and Cape Guy enters, kicking Ovan Grunty as he does. (… :<<<<) As Cape Guy is bitching about how they can never play the game like a real guild, Shino introduces him as Sakisaka and says that’s why she called him – one or two people might be joining the brigade. Sakisaka is excited, until he hears they’re fairly new to the game, and then he bitches about that, too, and he vaguely wonders why he’s still in the damn guild. Shino just… laughs. Oh, Shino.

A new scene! Haseo is fighting some retarded monster with blade-hands. And… winning, surprisingly. Haseo is somewhat happy he made it to Level 3.. and sees Ender sitting in the hallway. Ender laughs mysteriously and says she was getting tired of waiting for him. Ender asks what his connection to Ovan is. Haseo says there is none – just that Ovan revived him after he got PKed. Ender completely changes the subject, and asks why he wants to play this game in the first place. Haseo said it was because his friend said the game was interesting, but Ender points out that it was past-tense, and tells Haseo that they might’ve been playing R1. Ender asks if Haseo or his “friend” know the real Ovan, to which Haseo replies “\O_o/”. Eloquent.

Ender takes out her blade, and tells Haseo to think about it carefully – why was Haseo PKed? Haseo replies with the verbal equivelant of \O_o/ again. Ender asks “How did they do it~?” and runs a finger up his chest. “Was it like this~?” (This entire scene made me crack up, by the way.) Haseo is shaking, but just standing there. Ender asks if he’s not going to beg. Apparently, Haseo still has a speck of manliness left in him, because when Ender tells him “lol you can run now :D” he doesn’t. Ender just condescendingly asks what Ovan could possibly want with “a loser like you”. Haseo emos. And the people who care slowly dissipate.

Cut back to those PKs we saw when Haseo first spoke with Phyllo. They’re saying how easy it was to PK both the one that they were targeting AND the PKKs that were going to go after them. Haseo shudders. The girls notice him, and say “hey, didn’t we see that tard earlier :o” but before they can do anything, Haseo logs out.

Back to this cathedral thingy who’s name I can’t spell. Haseo is standing before the Beast Statue he got PKed in front of, and he hears Ovan’s voice. Haseo asks the two worst questions – when and why. Haseo bitches that he shouldn’t have started playing this game… and turns to see the girl PKs! Who’s suprised. They’re… They’re not even fighting with weapons, and Haseo still goes flying. A+. Haseo draws his weapons, and the girl’s voices turn… extremely male. Haseo blocks and dodges, amazingly enough. S/h/it says he’s way too weak to be playing solo, and Haseo randomly slashes at them. They’ve got him in a corner… and someone says “Stop what you’re doing!” just as he’s about to die.

Why, it’s Shino, here to rescue him. Shino says that they should go to the arena if they want to fight, but they’re like “It’s not what you think! :D” and leave. Shino approaches him and kneels down to his eye level. Shino tells him not to quit with a happy smile. Haseo emos. Shino says “it’s not pointless… because we need you. Welcome, Haseo. Welcome to the world!”

The episode ends there with an ending theme I couldn’t bear to listen to or watch.

Honestly, I heard it was going to be bad, but I didn’t expect anything this bad. The animation was terrible and the plot flatter then my mother’s pancakes. If I hadn’t played volume 1, I probably wouldn’t have had the faintest clue what was going on. Speaking of volume 1, if you’ve played the games before you watch this… don’t. Everything will seem really… odd, for lack of a better word. The only saving grace was the gorgeous music, as .hack// series seems to have.

I’m hoping it’ll pick up in the second or so episode, and Haseo will stop turning into Tsukasa 2.0. :| I am not amused by this BAAAAAAWWWWW HAET GAMES shit they’re trying to pull. Then again, I am an incredibly huge fan of train wrecks (that’s why I stuck with School Days so long). If worst comes to worst, these reviews will degenerate into me laughing my fucking ass off at Phyllo implying that Ovan is… eccentric.